The Great American Melodrama in Oceano, California is pretty neat. (In a weird way it reminds me of Rawhide, a Western-themed amusement park we visited many times when I was a kid. I'd like to go back. Hope it still exists.) Anyway, Rieschelle got me Melodrama season tickets for my birthday. Lucky me. We went last week and it was another fantastic evening. They performed a playlet called "Silence of the Hams," which was a real hoot. It was a sort of play within a play set in the silent film era. The set was created in stark silver and grey tones to look old Hollywood. (Even the pasta they used looked white-white and for some reason it brought to mind the scene in The Apartment where Jack Lemmon strains spaghetti with a tennis racket. I love that movie!) One of the main actors is just swell. He can sing, he can dance and he's funny as hell. He has a great joke about keeping the aisles clear so as not to have a sweaty, patchouli-smelling actor fall into your lap. Plus he's so dashing. Even the Maggie Gyllenhaal-loving Amie B. went up to him after one show to tell him how handsome he is. Cojones! I can't wait till the next show.

My new catchphrase of the moment is "batshit insane." Chuck Klosterman used it in a recent article and it made me laugh. It works in many different contexts. I expect it will lose its appeal by sometime next week.

Every time I see footage of Tom Cruise on Oprah I just crack up. That guy is batshit insane for Katie Holmes. (See, it works.)

Joe Pudas: Video Store Clerk? Never would have seen that coming.

Please pardon me. I've got the cold from hell. I just took some cold/flu stuff and it seems to have made me a little loopy. And so a loopy post. Elderberry Ricolas are not bad.

I think I just caught a glimpse of the actress who played Blair's cousin Jerry on The Facts of Life on an episode of Deadwood. Loopy, I say.

Still alive and flourishing. I have a good feeling about this one. Of course every time I say this about anything or anyone it goes awry. So that's pretty much a death knell for the orchid.

Now that I have DSL, the world is my oyster. I just watched a slide show of the premiere party for the new season of Six Feet Under, one of the best shows ever. The last (tear) season begins June 6th and I could not be more ecstatic. I can now watch slide shows at a pretty decent clip. I can also watch video, such as the promo for the new season. It is just alright, not as good as the promo set in the supermarket, which was the ultimate. (By the way, those HBO spots where characters from different shows interact are lame.) Anyhow, Peter Krause is his usual ruggedly handsome self and Lauren Ambrose looks luminous, no surprise there.

Another nice feature of DSL is being able to play games. My favorite is Mah Jong Medley. I play some B+S, sit back with a diet coke and a red vine licorice straw and have a grand time.

The other day I saw a photo of Scarlett Johansson at a premiere of some sort. She was wearing the most lovely dress. My first thought was that it was vintage Chanel. Once I read the caption I saw it was an Imitation of Christ dress. IOC is Tara Subkoff's line. Tara Subkoff, last I heard, is Wes Anderson's lady friend. I'm impressed.

Send help.

Arrested Development will be back for more.

I read a little interview with Wes Anderson where he refers to himself an an "odd sequence director," as opposed to an "action sequence director." How charming.

Weezer 5 = Life Aquatic

Loathe:
-"Plz" instead of "Please"
-"Thanx" instead of "Thanks"
-"For Reals" / "For Real"
-When a new album is described as being ready to "drop"

I had a run-in at work with a clone of "Nick Burns, Your Company's Computer Guy." I explained my dilemma and there was an uncomfortable pause. Nick-II then asked "Can I sit down?" with a tone, not unlike when Nick-I shouts "move" and bats away the computer idiot. It made me (computer idiot) laugh and I cleared out of there. The problem was solved instantly, which I appreciated greatly. Later on at home, when trying to deal with a new account set-up, I had a much more pleasant phone transaction with a friendly person named Sayid. Thanks Sayid.

Note: I have a new email address and am currently unable to access my old account. More to follow.

TV Talk/Save it for TWOP:
Surprise. I love Meet the Barkers.
Is Gilmore Girls doing the white lines?

Overheard at the ATM:

"It sounds like some 70's porno being broadcast through fuckin' Radioshack speakers. Call me back when your phone doesn't suck."

I was minding my own business, just trying to get some cash. I inadvertently got stuck in between a pack of "hipster" boys. Is that still the lingo for these characters? No idea. Anyway, these guys were annoying to no end. They all had that matted down hairstyle which requires more product in one day than I've used in my whole life. You can tell their casual, slacker chic looks are in fact the result of hours of fevered deliberation. And I'm sure they won't listen to any band more than five people (in addition to the actual band members) have ever heard of. This guy on the phone hit about eighteen of my personal pet peeves. The highlights:
-cell phone usage
-putting on a show for others/bystanders while on a cell phone
-lack of pop culture reference know-how
-hubris
Save it for Vice, twerps.

Amie B.- Check out the green fan in the new Real Simple. It's the Vespa of fans!

Last night I went out with friends for sushi. It was a Saturday night, I was out for once and things were feeling ok. We were packed inside this tiny little dive. All of a sudden the lights went out, a strobe light started pulsing and techno music (my favorite) began blaring. Apparently this is the restaurant's birthday ritual. The subject of the commotion shouted "I'm legal! Woo!" as everyone hooted and hollered. I've never felt so old.

Phrases I Loathe: The "I've Been Watching Too Much MTV" Edition
=any variation of the following: "hook-up," "hooking up," or "random hook-ups" - Ick
=bling
=when people on Cribs say about their bedroom, "this is where the magic happens." Please.
(The best part about Cribs is trying to guess whether the celebrity's automobile is going to be a black or white Cadillac Escalade.)

Summer Movie Season Begins
I am looking forward to mindless popcorn cinema. The new Batman looks pretty good, as does The Island. I don't, however, give a rat's ass about that Sith movie. The oversaturated cross-marketing campaign is ridiculous and leaves me feeling the same way I do after eating funnel cake at the fair- like I want to crawl into a hole and die.

I bought an orchid and wouldn't you know it I dropped it right outside the store and the main stem with the four, count'em four, flowers bent. I taped it in a somewhat clumsy fashion when I got home. It looks kind of ghetto, but at least it will now live the standard two to three weeks before I wind up killing it. (Random bit of trivia: my rapper name is "Orchid Killah.")

It was a weird day. I read, lounged and listened to music. I did not put my glasses on until 2:00.

"I want the money in a brown paper bag and to give them the film a few months later and that's that."

Well stated. The new movie sounds pretty decent.

I cracked up when reading an article about Jake Gyllenhaal dating the chick from Maria Full of Grace. Apparently they were seen "full-on making out."
How, like, interesting.

Not sure what I think of the new Weezer yet. To be determined.

Office Product Trick of the Week

I had a little too much fun with this one. When I take my magnetic staple remover and tap it against the trash can to shake loose excess staples it makes a sound not unlike the "dun dun" sound from Law and Order. Time to pack it in. Wincing.

Tonite I spotted a gal with this purse. Form and function are having a meetcute with this one. Sorry Ms. Barnett. It is not available in orange. I checked.

The Saturday shindig thing at my house has been officially scrapped due to scheduling conflicts and poor planning on my part. First you've heard of it? Poor planning, I tell you. I'll try to reschedule for something in June. If anyone wants to do an informal movie night let me know. Thanks.

Just as I was about to pat myself on the back for cutting another show from my roster, I've been lured in again. I've skipped the last six or seven episodes of The OC and that's including the spring break one. Well now with the promise of a love triangle, a prom and a bout of overnight alcoholism, I'm back in, all in. Well guess what? Yep, I'm going to tape it tonite. Dammit.

Liquid Paper Dry Line Grip

I look for any and every possible opportunity to use it. But when it goes awry, it goes awry.

If someone asks you if you are sure and you say yes and they then follow that up by asking "but are you Charlie Daniels sure?" say no.

Roommates from hell. We've all had them. They eat your last hot pocket, dodge the utility bills for weeks on end and force you into unwanted social interaction. I lived with some real doozies a few years back. The gal in the room next to me was off the deep end. She stored what looked to be a lifetime supply of canned vienna sausages and mountain dew in her closet. She had a fondness for those sleeping doll babies dressed like insects. She disapproved of just about everything and was an avid fan of passive aggressive notes. ("Who used my drinking glass without asking?") The other girl had a sleazy omnipresent bouncer boyfriend and a penchant for covering every inch of available wallspace with creepy masks like the one shown here. That and troll dolls. The one perk was the cute gay guy we shared the space with. He was funny, took care of spiders for me and enjoyed craptastic movies like Detroit Rock City. And he had very nice blue eyes. All hell broke loose, people stopped talking (ok by me) and we eventually went our separate ways. The end. All this from a ceramic mask.

Low Point of the day:
Walking past that huge pile of puke/barf/excess swill on my way to work this morning.

High Point of the day:
The new Spin. Such a guilty pleasure. The current issue has a hilarious list section. Lists are wonderful. The lists include everything from "Ten Qualities That Make a 'Perfect Bitch' According to Nas" to "Eight Nonrap Lyrical Beatdowns" and two sets of band heckles, both generic ["Could you guys keep it down? We're trying to talk over here!"] and band specific ["Turn on the bright lights, so we can leave!" for Interpol]. Wee! My favorite part is where they list songs that would make good movies and then pitch the movie idea. I'll have to come up with some of my own. Anyway, the issue is sarcastic and full of quips and a total hoot.

I've been trying to get up early and not rush around so much in the morning. One of the potential perks: catch some music videos. Or so I thought. Total schlock. And they only seem to show the same four or five: Alicia Keys, Destiny's Child, Bruce Springsteen, Dave Matthews, among a few others. Eric Roberts plays a kind of leering and domineering older man role in two, yes two, separate videos. He's in videos for both Mariah Carey and the Killers. Huh? I've been strongly encouraged to get M2. Jeez, this reads like something off the cutting room floor of Best Week Ever. And that ain't good.

Had a blast and a half with Helen and baby Zander tonite. Zander is such a doll. What a kick.

The Quotable Fran Pudas (my mom)
=give up the ghost
=they've got more of such and such than Carter has pills
=that's tougher than old Tobie's ass
=that's not going to cut the mustard, chump

***new addition***
=Fuck'em if they can't take a joke

The Shins! Check them out. "Turn a Square" and "New Slang" -stellar.

Sexual harassment training tomorrow. Yippie!

A few entries ago I made mention of some expressions that bother me to no end (crunch time/it's all good/no worries, etc). Here's some more, both good and bad. I can't get enough of this kind of thing. Contribute your own if you'd like.

Like:
=what you're selling, I'm not buying
=them's the brakes
=as per usual
=a blast and a half (courtesy of Brooke's mom)
=a hoot
=a hoot and a half (courtesy of David Sedaris)
=trainwreck
=manlet (Example: Beck is so petite for a man. That crazy manlet!)
=frathole
=sheesh
=jeez/jeez louise
=yikes
=cat's pajamas
=nosy parker
=neat/neato

Use too often:
=It boggles my mind
=The bottom line is......
=Here's the deal....

Loathe:
=something being described as "all get out." (Example: J.Lo's espadrilles are as chic as all get out.)

Somewhat ambivalent about:
=Referring to legs as "getaway sticks"

Euphemism for getting drunk to popularize:
=getting your swill on (Example: Joe really got his swill on at the Mifflin Street block party this weekend.)

Another entry from cuteneatcuteneat.com/neat-cute